Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Another member to this crappy club

It never gets any easier, when you hear about someone else joining this crappy club I'm in. It is even worse when its someone you know, a good person. I wish so much that I could fast forward time for them to when its easier to survive. The thing is I don't know my friends wife and as a man he is guarded with how much he talks about. Theres that I am meant to be the strong one in this. I think its hard because I have done the time and I remember so many of the "I wish I'd known about this." or "I wish I'd done this." but of course those things can't be forced on you at that time. How do I help, why do i not remember what to do to make things easier. I guess the answer is that i can't make anything easier. I hope though that i gave him an insight into how he can be there for his wife.

Then its the selfish part of me that comes up where i remember how i felt when i said goodbye to my boys and some of the scars crack open a little again. Its all enforcing my need to do "something" to try and comfort others in my area.
I know a lovely woman who lives in Canada who started a great project for greiving parents. The idea is simple but very effective. A little bear called patches who travels around the country and visits those parents for a while to bring them a bit of comfort.
I'd love to do something like in the UK but not really sure if it would work as well over here. Its another thing that i will think about for some time. Maybe i should just give it a go and see if it takes off, nothing ventured and all that.

I am waiting for the phonecall to tell me that the memorial steak is ready for me to pick up. I hope it is ready before the 28th.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

I am Terri's follower of the month & my list

I am follower of the month of my dear friend Terri's blog. If i do have any followers/readers take a look at Terri's blog and say hello.

I also actualy did some of the things on the list that i wrote yesterday. I phoned the hospital and got some details of who i need to speak to and have also found out about a parent panel session. So hopefully this will mean that I can get Angel RAE's off the ground.

I then went to town and placed the order for the memorial marker for the boys grave, which we can place on Evan's Angelday that is coming up.

Friday, 3 September 2010

As another year goes by.

Will it really be 12 years ont he 28th. Where has the time gone that my Son would be 12 this year. I am an old hat at this now and yes i can goes weeks now without that pain. I think of all by boys daily but that feeling that my heart is turning to stone as its so heavy doesn't get me as often anymore. In someways i am so thankful for that but in other i think i hope they don't think its because i am "over" losing them...that will never happen.
Many of my friends are going through their anniversaries around about now, thats probably because we all seemed to find Share at the same time. Thank God for Share! and my "sisters"
So ihave been reading a few more blogs lately and the heavy heart is back, not just for my sorrows but when i think of all the pain my friends are going through. I wish i didn't live so far away from them or had lots of money so i could go and see them. They are my insperation and if i could achieve some of the things they have i will be a happier person.

My dad always called me a "gunna" when i was younger, as in "I'm always gunna do this and gunna do that but never quite get round to it." Well he was right really as i have so many things i want to do but they are all still in the "to do" pile. Angel RAE's is just a post on my blog as i don't have the money to buy things or the time to make them right now. I started to crochet a small blanket to hopefully get one box to the hospital for Evans 12th Angelday.

Maybe if i put my to do list on here it might spur me on to get some of them finished.
1. Contact the hospital to see if there are any other organisations helping the ward that delivers the Angels.
2.Take at least one memorial box to the hospital.
3. Order the memorial stake for the boys grave (12 years and i still can't bare to put a stone down)
4. Get my house in order so i can start some Angel Rae things going.

Monday, 9 August 2010

Food..feelings and missing my boys.

This week i finally hit my 2 & 1/2 stone or for any overseas readers 35lb weightloss milestone. It's taken me a year and 3 months to do this. I have another stone and a half or 21lbs to go but i am finding it really hard going.
The joys of being an emotional eater i guess. I have always turned to food when i was upset for as long as i can remember. The last 12 years of my life have been the worst with each time i have found out i was expecting a baby and each time i had to say goodbye before i got to say hello. Yes i now have two lovely son's so people who don't get it think well you should be ok now. It will never be ok because ever aspect of those boys lives reminds me that half my family is missing.
A dental trip today could have been 5 boys all waiting to meet their new dentist and arguing who went first and everyone trying to get Danny to open his mouth for the dentist, it wasn't. A school uniform trip last week as George gets ready to start secondary school for his first year, should have been less worrying about my little boy going to such a big school because i would have had experience from sending Evan the year before...it wasn't.
I don't talk about this with people because I feel it's not something they want to hear. I should be over it by now is what some people think..well of course I'm not, i never will be. On September the 28th my oldest son should be turning 12....yes he will still turn 12 but i won't get to see him open a gift or blow out candles as will i not see Adam turn 7 this October or Ryan turn 6 next March.
I have been on this crappy road for almost 12 years, it's so hard to believe but thats the fact. Twelve years and i still haven't placed a head stone...I had a beautiful grave marker made but it's in my room i can't bare to take it there. I have found something else that i want to go there in the mean time so will make sure it is ready for 28th of Sept.
All this leads right back to the kitchen, because for a few seconds food makes it better. Then weigh day comes and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have a problem saying no to all the stuff that makes my clothes shrink yet I can't say no because i have to eat to live...it's just all the healthy stuff isn't as nice.
I have to get more control of myself and get to target, if i aim to lose 3-4lbs a month it should be off by March. So there it is i have written it down, lets see if i can do it.
If there is anyone reading this and you have any tips leave a comment or just tell me to step away from the fridge...after all fridge pickers wear bigger knickers.

Monday, 21 June 2010


Last week I bought something for myself that will remind me of my boys every time I look at it. It might seem strange to some people as I am not what the stereotype person is who has what I bought. Well not what my family deem to be the type of person. The gift was a new tattoo. All my tattoo's are in some way about my children. Each time I have had on its been in a place that I only get to see when walking past a mirror after a shower (with another 24lbs to loose that's not something I like doing ). So I got the lady to design it for me so it will be a one off. It's all healed now and I love it. I love the fact that it can be seen, because when someone asks me about I get to talk about why its there which means I get to say all my son's names.

The Koi symbolizes courage, the ability to attain high goals, and overcoming life's difficulties.
Legend tells of how any koi that succeeded in climbing the falls at a point called Dragon Gate (on the Yellow River) would be transformed into a dragon. Thus it became a symbol of worldly aspiration and advancement.
The Koi is about achieving my dream of a family. The 7 cherry blossoms are for my 5 boys Evan, George, Adam, Ryan & Daniel, Ian (my husband) and my Dad.

Monday, 7 June 2010

And another thing....

Well as usual my intent on trying to update more often has failed in spectacular fashion. That said I put the blame entirely on Face book. I go for a quick look round and before you know it hours have passed, I've farmed, nightclubbed, cooked in my cafe and played too many card or word games to count.
Well what's been happening with me. The weight loss has slowed right down. I know the reason for this and that is I have zero will power right now. I seem to be OK for half of the week but the other half goes down the pan. It's like the food calls to me and I have to eat it. So far this week I have been bad on Thursday and Friday, good(ish) on Saturday, better on Sunday and on track today.
I have discovered a great way to keep fit, Zumba. If you haven't tried it you should, I always feel fantastic after a class although very sweaty.
This is a big year in our house. George my oldest finishes primary school soon, then goes up to comp in September. I am just as emotional about it as he is. He's got so big and is so far away from my little boy, yet i still think it will be a big shock for him, like the big shock i had today when he bought the uniform price list home. Don't you just love that a school can dictate to you what your child wears right down to school coat and bag, then charge 3 times what things would cost in normal shops. Now don't get me wrong I'm all for uniform but what's wrong with a colour and a badge you can sew onto a jumper. Can't believe I am going to say this but here goes...When i was in school it didn't cost you almost £100 just for school clothes. They even tell you at what time of year you can wear types of shirt for god sake. It's a school not the bloody army you know.
Well rant over time to talk about the bits and bobs i have been making this year. I have had the sewing machine out more the the knitting/crochet needles so far this year. Made quite a few bags for friends children. Had a go at making a cushion cover which after a little folding trouble turned out great so i made another and put some appliqué on it.

Cushion for a friends little girl. I am told it went down very well as it goes everywhere with her.
Crocheted scarf in Liverpool and Wales colours for my other friends son.
I made this for the brother of the little girl who had the cushion, the snake has been as far as Portugal too lol.....its a good job the scarf comes off.
These bags were from my friends daughters dance shoes.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

A new year

Wow two years has gone by since i made a post here. I have had so many changes in my life. We were lucky enoughto be blessed with another baby. Since we last got pregnant they had discovered a few more things that might have led to me losing the boys. I had a blood test and they said i had something called Factor S deficency, something to do with clotting. I was prescribed 150 mgs of asprin every day and a self administered shot of Clexane every day. I also had an ultra sound of my uturus and all the vessales feeding it. This resulting in them finding out i had poor blood flow to the uterus which was also something that made the babies not make it.
To cut a long story short i had Daniel at 36 week by c-section on 10th July 2008. He's a great little boy and his big brother George loves him to bits. Our family will always be missing three little boys but Daniel has helped us heal more then we ever thought we would.

So my plans for this year....loose more weight. I lost just over 2 stone (29lbs) before Christmas but had three weeks off and ended putting 6lbs back on. Back on the wagon now (well most of the time lol) and I'm going to try and get another 2 stone off this year and then try to keep it off. I am doing this by following weight watchers points system, wii fot and roller skating dowm my local park weather permitting.
More crafting, cleaning and learning. i also want to put my Angels R.A.E's program into action. You can read about that in the panel on the side over there >>>>>>>>.