Monday, 9 August 2010

Food..feelings and missing my boys.

This week i finally hit my 2 & 1/2 stone or for any overseas readers 35lb weightloss milestone. It's taken me a year and 3 months to do this. I have another stone and a half or 21lbs to go but i am finding it really hard going.
The joys of being an emotional eater i guess. I have always turned to food when i was upset for as long as i can remember. The last 12 years of my life have been the worst with each time i have found out i was expecting a baby and each time i had to say goodbye before i got to say hello. Yes i now have two lovely son's so people who don't get it think well you should be ok now. It will never be ok because ever aspect of those boys lives reminds me that half my family is missing.
A dental trip today could have been 5 boys all waiting to meet their new dentist and arguing who went first and everyone trying to get Danny to open his mouth for the dentist, it wasn't. A school uniform trip last week as George gets ready to start secondary school for his first year, should have been less worrying about my little boy going to such a big school because i would have had experience from sending Evan the year wasn't.
I don't talk about this with people because I feel it's not something they want to hear. I should be over it by now is what some people think..well of course I'm not, i never will be. On September the 28th my oldest son should be turning 12....yes he will still turn 12 but i won't get to see him open a gift or blow out candles as will i not see Adam turn 7 this October or Ryan turn 6 next March.
I have been on this crappy road for almost 12 years, it's so hard to believe but thats the fact. Twelve years and i still haven't placed a head stone...I had a beautiful grave marker made but it's in my room i can't bare to take it there. I have found something else that i want to go there in the mean time so will make sure it is ready for 28th of Sept.
All this leads right back to the kitchen, because for a few seconds food makes it better. Then weigh day comes and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have a problem saying no to all the stuff that makes my clothes shrink yet I can't say no because i have to eat to's just all the healthy stuff isn't as nice.
I have to get more control of myself and get to target, if i aim to lose 3-4lbs a month it should be off by March. So there it is i have written it down, lets see if i can do it.
If there is anyone reading this and you have any tips leave a comment or just tell me to step away from the fridge...after all fridge pickers wear bigger knickers.

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