September & October

Two months I do not enjoy one after the other. They always creep up on me and slap me in the face, like I'd forget what happen, as if I could, as if any of us who has lost a child could. Its weird in a way because July and August are happy months and then the crappy ones come along.

This year Evan turned 12 on Sept 28th, and i felt as alone as the first day i met him and had to say goodbye. Then on October the 18th Adam turned 7 and just as the mist starts to lift it begins all over.

Now don't get me wrong, when i say alone i don't mean that no-one mentions my boys because i have very good friends who always send me a note or a text and my DH comes the the cemetery with me and helps me sort it all out. All this is very comforting and if i didn't have that support I'd be lost but unless you have experienced hold a baby you can never take home you can only imagine the agony. Many of my BLM's live far away so just getting together to talk about things isn't an option. After being in this club for so many years the people who think i should be "over it" by now as i have 2 healthy boys.

Then there is the matter of October the 15th National Babyloss Awareness Day, every year i have wanted to attend something or do something and every year i did nothing. So this year i decided that this year i wouldn't let it pass. At first it was a little idea borrowed from a larger event that my good friend terri organises in Canada. A walk to remember. So i created an events page on facebook and invited some of my friends. The response was more then i expected, so i told my friends they were welcome to invite people too, which they did and numbers grew again.

So then i thought why not see how many more people felt as i did and invite them, I contacted the local paper and they ran a story and more people contacted me to see if they could attend the event too.

Ideas kept running through my head about what i wanted the walk to be, all of which needed money which i didn't have. I got my cheeky head on and phoned a few local businesses and asked them to help, which they did. The banner, the candles, the balloons and the awareness ribbons were all donated.

When the day came I wondered if people would turn up as i walked over to the boating lake. My family were all there to support me and help with the setting up. Within about 10 minutes people started to turn up, everyone took a ribbon and those who hadn't contacted me before the walk added their children to the list to be read out after my small speech and poem reading.

It was quite nerve racking but i did it without crying. We then all walked round the beautiful lake and when we return we released the balloons we had all written messages on. As people left i present them a copy of the poem i read out and a little candle to remember the day.

So many people said they were glad i had organised it and that it was good to know they weren't so alone. So the plan is to try and do it all again next year.

I was grateful to all those that remembered our babies with us, including my oldest sons under 12's rugby team along with some parents and the coaches.

and that is where the rest of all the things that have happened to me started which i will fill you in on in the next part.