Need motivation

I have fallen off the weight watcher wagon again so this week i had the weight gain i knew was on its way. I just can't seem to stick to it, i think maybe its been so long that i am just fed up of counting all the time. Their new system is great and if i could stick to it i know i'd be almost at my goal by now. To top it all i have found some workouts i really enjoy but my tendons at the back of my ankle doesn't agree. I have forked out on new trainers and inserts so hoping that helps. Oh how i envy people who say they can eat what they like and not have to exercise but are still a size 10 (8)or 12(10). I would kill to be a size 14(12) and stay there. I know in reality i can blame nothing but my own weak will power for this. I have lost 35lbs so far and i have 15 to 19 to go but itfeel like the other way round. I think as i write this i need to kick my self up the behind and remember what i have achieved. I could be on target but the summer if i work hard enough.

I want to share with you what exercises have finally got me wanting to get of the sofa. 1st is Zumba, i love it. Its fast, energetic and doesn't feel like a chore. I go to a class once a week and have dvd's at home to do when i can. I then discovered the 30 day shred by Jillian Michaels. Its a 20 minute workout that works you hard. I haven't done it every day like you should as the rest of my life gets in the way too, but i already feel stronger and feel some changes in my body. Just need my ankle to play ball now.

Before we get to 2011

After the walk i wanted to continue doing something and though the best way would be to try and help the ward where two of my children were born. As they were under (1 by just a day) 24 weeks i didn't go to the labour ward. With the help of some of the members of CWtR (cwmbran walk to remember) we managed to get a lovely donation together. On the day of delivery the weather was awful and what is normally at 25 minute round trip became almost two hours. It was worth it though as the nurses on the ward said that their ward can sometimes be forgotten when donations are made. The main aim was a camera as their had broken a few weeks before and the staff were having to use their own.

I also wanted to do something around christmas time to remember my boys and invited anyone who wanted to join me to come and launch some paper boats with a name and message on for our little ones. The weather was against me again and it was too cold and icy to meet up with anyone, so me and my oldest son took a walk to the local canal to try and find a bit of unfrozen water to see if we could launch them. Although it was cold it was a beautiful day and the sun shone off the water and the snow glistened.

September & October

Two months I do not enjoy one after the other. They always creep up on me and slap me in the face, like I'd forget what happen, as if I could, as if any of us who has lost a child could. Its weird in a way because July and August are happy months and then the crappy ones come along.

This year Evan turned 12 on Sept 28th, and i felt as alone as the first day i met him and had to say goodbye. Then on October the 18th Adam turned 7 and just as the mist starts to lift it begins all over.

Now don't get me wrong, when i say alone i don't mean that no-one mentions my boys because i have very good friends who always send me a note or a text and my DH comes the the cemetery with me and helps me sort it all out. All this is very comforting and if i didn't have that support I'd be lost but unless you have experienced hold a baby you can never take home you can only imagine the agony. Many of my BLM's live far away so just getting together to talk about things isn't an option. After being in this club for so many years the people who think i should be "over it" by now as i have 2 healthy boys.

Then there is the matter of October the 15th National Babyloss Awareness Day, every year i have wanted to attend something or do something and every year i did nothing. So this year i decided that this year i wouldn't let it pass. At first it was a little idea borrowed from a larger event that my good friend terri organises in Canada. A walk to remember. So i created an events page on facebook and invited some of my friends. The response was more then i expected, so i told my friends they were welcome to invite people too, which they did and numbers grew again.

So then i thought why not see how many more people felt as i did and invite them, I contacted the local paper and they ran a story and more people contacted me to see if they could attend the event too.

Ideas kept running through my head about what i wanted the walk to be, all of which needed money which i didn't have. I got my cheeky head on and phoned a few local businesses and asked them to help, which they did. The banner, the candles, the balloons and the awareness ribbons were all donated.

When the day came I wondered if people would turn up as i walked over to the boating lake. My family were all there to support me and help with the setting up. Within about 10 minutes people started to turn up, everyone took a ribbon and those who hadn't contacted me before the walk added their children to the list to be read out after my small speech and poem reading.

It was quite nerve racking but i did it without crying. We then all walked round the beautiful lake and when we return we released the balloons we had all written messages on. As people left i present them a copy of the poem i read out and a little candle to remember the day.

So many people said they were glad i had organised it and that it was good to know they weren't so alone. So the plan is to try and do it all again next year.

I was grateful to all those that remembered our babies with us, including my oldest sons under 12's rugby team along with some parents and the coaches.

and that is where the rest of all the things that have happened to me started which i will fill you in on in the next part.

2011 already!!!

Wow it seemed to have crept up on me. I haven't blogged for ages but then I think i have a good reason for some of the times I didn't post. So now do i spill out my last four months all in one post and risk boring anyone that on the odd chance is actually reading this. Or break it up into sections. I think maybe the later is the bast way to go as that way i won't get bored either. So off i go to do a what i did last winter assignment for you lol....i could be sometime.

Another member to this crappy club

It never gets any easier, when you hear about someone else joining this crappy club I'm in. It is even worse when its someone you know, a good person. I wish so much that I could fast forward time for them to when its easier to survive. The thing is I don't know my friends wife and as a man he is guarded with how much he talks about. Theres that I am meant to be the strong one in this. I think its hard because I have done the time and I remember so many of the "I wish I'd known about this." or "I wish I'd done this." but of course those things can't be forced on you at that time. How do I help, why do i not remember what to do to make things easier. I guess the answer is that i can't make anything easier. I hope though that i gave him an insight into how he can be there for his wife.

Then its the selfish part of me that comes up where i remember how i felt when i said goodbye to my boys and some of the scars crack open a little again. Its all enforcing my need to do "something" to try and comfort others in my area.
I know a lovely woman who lives in Canada who started a great project for greiving parents. The idea is simple but very effective. A little bear called patches who travels around the country and visits those parents for a while to bring them a bit of comfort.
I'd love to do something like in the UK but not really sure if it would work as well over here. Its another thing that i will think about for some time. Maybe i should just give it a go and see if it takes off, nothing ventured and all that.

I am waiting for the phonecall to tell me that the memorial steak is ready for me to pick up. I hope it is ready before the 28th.

I am Terri's follower of the month & my list

I am follower of the month of my dear friend Terri's blog. If i do have any followers/readers take a look at Terri's blog and say hello.
http://waaoms.blogspot.com/2010/09/follower-of-month-lane.html

I also actualy did some of the things on the list that i wrote yesterday. I phoned the hospital and got some details of who i need to speak to and have also found out about a parent panel session. So hopefully this will mean that I can get Angel RAE's off the ground.

I then went to town and placed the order for the memorial marker for the boys grave, which we can place on Evan's Angelday that is coming up.

As another year goes by.

Will it really be 12 years ont he 28th. Where has the time gone that my Son would be 12 this year. I am an old hat at this now and yes i can goes weeks now without that pain. I think of all by boys daily but that feeling that my heart is turning to stone as its so heavy doesn't get me as often anymore. In someways i am so thankful for that but in other i think i hope they don't think its because i am "over" losing them...that will never happen.
Many of my friends are going through their anniversaries around about now, thats probably because we all seemed to find Share at the same time. Thank God for Share! and my "sisters"
So ihave been reading a few more blogs lately and the heavy heart is back, not just for my sorrows but when i think of all the pain my friends are going through. I wish i didn't live so far away from them or had lots of money so i could go and see them. They are my insperation and if i could achieve some of the things they have i will be a happier person.

My dad always called me a "gunna" when i was younger, as in "I'm always gunna do this and gunna do that but never quite get round to it." Well he was right really as i have so many things i want to do but they are all still in the "to do" pile. Angel RAE's is just a post on my blog as i don't have the money to buy things or the time to make them right now. I started to crochet a small blanket to hopefully get one box to the hospital for Evans 12th Angelday.

Maybe if i put my to do list on here it might spur me on to get some of them finished.
1. Contact the hospital to see if there are any other organisations helping the ward that delivers the Angels.
2.Take at least one memorial box to the hospital.
3. Order the memorial stake for the boys grave (12 years and i still can't bare to put a stone down)
4. Get my house in order so i can start some Angel Rae things going.