Food..feelings and missing my boys.

This week i finally hit my 2 & 1/2 stone or for any overseas readers 35lb weightloss milestone. It's taken me a year and 3 months to do this. I have another stone and a half or 21lbs to go but i am finding it really hard going.
The joys of being an emotional eater i guess. I have always turned to food when i was upset for as long as i can remember. The last 12 years of my life have been the worst with each time i have found out i was expecting a baby and each time i had to say goodbye before i got to say hello. Yes i now have two lovely son's so people who don't get it think well you should be ok now. It will never be ok because ever aspect of those boys lives reminds me that half my family is missing.
A dental trip today could have been 5 boys all waiting to meet their new dentist and arguing who went first and everyone trying to get Danny to open his mouth for the dentist, it wasn't. A school uniform trip last week as George gets ready to start secondary school for his first year, should have been less worrying about my little boy going to such a big school because i would have had experience from sending Evan the year before...it wasn't.
I don't talk about this with people because I feel it's not something they want to hear. I should be over it by now is what some people think..well of course I'm not, i never will be. On September the 28th my oldest son should be turning 12....yes he will still turn 12 but i won't get to see him open a gift or blow out candles as will i not see Adam turn 7 this October or Ryan turn 6 next March.
I have been on this crappy road for almost 12 years, it's so hard to believe but thats the fact. Twelve years and i still haven't placed a head stone...I had a beautiful grave marker made but it's in my room i can't bare to take it there. I have found something else that i want to go there in the mean time so will make sure it is ready for 28th of Sept.
All this leads right back to the kitchen, because for a few seconds food makes it better. Then weigh day comes and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have a problem saying no to all the stuff that makes my clothes shrink yet I can't say no because i have to eat to live...it's just all the healthy stuff isn't as nice.
I have to get more control of myself and get to target, if i aim to lose 3-4lbs a month it should be off by March. So there it is i have written it down, lets see if i can do it.
If there is anyone reading this and you have any tips leave a comment or just tell me to step away from the fridge...after all fridge pickers wear bigger knickers.

Ink

Last week I bought something for myself that will remind me of my boys every time I look at it. It might seem strange to some people as I am not what the stereotype person is who has what I bought. Well not what my family deem to be the type of person. The gift was a new tattoo. All my tattoo's are in some way about my children. Each time I have had on its been in a place that I only get to see when walking past a mirror after a shower (with another 24lbs to loose that's not something I like doing ). So I got the lady to design it for me so it will be a one off. It's all healed now and I love it. I love the fact that it can be seen, because when someone asks me about I get to talk about why its there which means I get to say all my son's names.

The Koi symbolizes courage, the ability to attain high goals, and overcoming life's difficulties.
Legend tells of how any koi that succeeded in climbing the falls at a point called Dragon Gate (on the Yellow River) would be transformed into a dragon. Thus it became a symbol of worldly aspiration and advancement.
The Koi is about achieving my dream of a family. The 7 cherry blossoms are for my 5 boys Evan, George, Adam, Ryan & Daniel, Ian (my husband) and my Dad.

And another thing....

Well as usual my intent on trying to update more often has failed in spectacular fashion. That said I put the blame entirely on Face book. I go for a quick look round and before you know it hours have passed, I've farmed, nightclubbed, cooked in my cafe and played too many card or word games to count.

Well what's been happening with me. The weight loss has slowed right down. I know the reason for this and that is I have zero will power right now. I seem to be OK for half of the week but the other half goes down the pan. It's like the food calls to me and I have to eat it. So far this week I have been bad on Thursday and Friday, good(ish) on Saturday, better on Sunday and on track today.

I have discovered a great way to keep fit, Zumba. If you haven't tried it you should, I always feel fantastic after a class although very sweaty.

This is a big year in our house. George my oldest finishes primary school soon, then goes up to comp in September. I am just as emotional about it as he is. He's got so big and is so far away from my little boy, yet i still think it will be a big shock for him, like the big shock i had today when he bought the uniform price list home. Don't you just love that a school can dictate to you what your child wears right down to school coat and bag, then charge 3 times what things would cost in normal shops. Now don't get me wrong I'm all for uniform but what's wrong with a colour and a badge you can sew onto a jumper. Can't believe I am going to say this but here goes...When i was in school it didn't cost you almost £100 just for school clothes. They even tell you at what time of year you can wear types of shirt for god sake. It's a school not the bloody army you know.

Well rant over time to talk about the bits and bobs i have been making this year. I have had the sewing machine out more the the knitting/crochet needles so far this year. Made quite a few bags for friends children. Had a go at making a cushion cover which after a little folding trouble turned out great so i made another and put some appliqué on it.

Cushion for a friends little girl. I am told it went down very well as it goes everywhere with her.

Crocheted scarf in Liverpool and Wales colours for my other friends son.

I made this for the brother of the little girl who had the cushion, the snake has been as far as Portugal too lol.....its a good job the scarf comes off.

These bags were from my friends daughters dance shoes.

A new year

Wow two years has gone by since i made a post here. I have had so many changes in my life. We were lucky enoughto be blessed with another baby. Since we last got pregnant they had discovered a few more things that might have led to me losing the boys. I had a blood test and they said i had something called Factor S deficency, something to do with clotting. I was prescribed 150 mgs of asprin every day and a self administered shot of Clexane every day. I also had an ultra sound of my uturus and all the vessales feeding it. This resulting in them finding out i had poor blood flow to the uterus which was also something that made the babies not make it.
To cut a long story short i had Daniel at 36 week by c-section on 10th July 2008. He's a great little boy and his big brother George loves him to bits. Our family will always be missing three little boys but Daniel has helped us heal more then we ever thought we would.

So my plans for this year....loose more weight. I lost just over 2 stone (29lbs) before Christmas but had three weeks off and ended putting 6lbs back on. Back on the wagon now (well most of the time lol) and I'm going to try and get another 2 stone off this year and then try to keep it off. I am doing this by following weight watchers points system, wii fot and roller skating dowm my local park weather permitting.
More crafting, cleaning and learning. i also want to put my Angels R.A.E's program into action. You can read about that in the panel on the side over there >>>>>>>>.

I do do knitting on occation too.

I seem to have got into this terrible habbit of casting on things and then not getting round to finishing them. Right now i have two bags, one large blanket, one sock and two baby blankets (for my special project which i will tell you about after. Out of these things onely one is even halfway through. I blame my sister for teaching me the one needle cast on method lol.
In the last few weeks i have managed to finish two items. The first is what i call my fraggle scarf. I love the colours on this and its really soft i wish i could say that i enjoyed knitting it though.

This next one i am really pleased with, it's a little SKBU body warmer. It's the first time i have had a go at clothes so to speak, i know there are no sleeves but i had to make buttong holes and do shaping which i haven't really done before. The body warmer has buttons on the shoulders so that it can be put on the baby without distrubing any tubes and wires there may be. It is really soft as i did it in snowflake and it only took about 18 hours of knitting time over four days which for me is great.

New additions

About three weeks ago George came up to me in the school yard and asked if he could have a pet snail. Yes you read right a snail. It turns out one of the teachers has giant african land snails and they have had babies.....lots of babies. I went to see the teacher and she assured me that they are very easy to look after all i needed to get was a little tank for it. So we went to the pet shop and got the tank, they didn't have any smalll ones so we got the medium one which was fine as it wasn't that much more. Only trouble was George figured out there would be room for two snails in this tank.
When we got them they were tiny, i really didn't realise how tiny they would be. Well prepared mummy didn't think about taking a picture of them until they had been with us a week. They grew by about 50%.

So let me introduce to you Martha & The Doctor although they don't look like this now they have doubled in size again. They are great fun to watch if you look carefully you can see them eating and when they are on your hand you can feel them moving and sort of licking you.

It's close to midnight

A bit late for this but i have been busy with coursework so the blog kind of got swept under the carpet. Every year i tend to get stuff in for trick or treaters and every year no-one comes and i end up scoffing all the goodies, so this year i went to a party instead saved my money and my hips. George helped me to carve the pumpkin the day before halloween so all we had to do was figure out what he was going to dress up as, i think there are only so many times a boy can dress up a the grim reaper before he gets fed up. As usual being the well prepared mother that i am we had to do a mad dash to the shops to find something nice and cheep to wear. Cut to ten minutes later and we are heading back to the car with a tube of fake blood, a glow stick and some stick on scabs&cuts. Tie this in with George's kick boxing outfit,some talc and some of my make up and this is what results...


This is our effort at pumpkin carving although i have to say it wasn't all our own work because i got the stensils of the internet.